Grief and Mourning

I've not been writing for a long time already but this time I can't keep this to myself. There's been too much happening to me and my family the past few days that I need an outlet. I've tried talking it out, being silent, and crying it out. Right now though I'm numb. I don't know whether I can keep this to myself and if I do I don't think it will be a good thing. Maybe other people have had the same experience or at least gone through the same thing. Maybe just the act of writing this out is going to be enough to make me feel something.

There was a time in my life that I had thought I've been through everything. I thought everything that can happen to me would be something I can deal with. There was no doubt in my mind that I can handle anything. Unfortunately this latest one that happened to me and my wife wasn't something I was prepared for. Nor was I ready to deal with it in a manner that was controlled or well-thought out. I thought maybe if I just stayed strong for my wife that it will all be good for me too.

Saturday night my wife had to go through emergency surgery. That same night we lost a baby only earlier in the day found out we had. In one day the roller-coaster of emotions ranged from uncomfortably excited to horribly mortified. In the two hours that my wife was in surgery my life as I knew it was on the balance. I needed to be alone while also wanting to share what I was feeling with someone. I chose to be alone and when it was all over I had wished I spent that couple of hours with someone I can talk with.

There's nothing like the risk of losing my beloved wife that shook me to my core. I had entertained thoughts that I never would have entertained before -- like how would I deal with that if that happened? How would I explain that to our daughter? How would I handle my life being alone which I had been preparing to spend with her? These thoughts and the consequences of these thoughts broke me. It made me surrender to my God which was the only thing I can do at that time.

When I got the confirmation that Jeni was out of surgery and headed to the ward I felt relief and a sense of calm. It's the same feeling I get when the plane lands safe onto the tarmac. When I saw her doing well after the surgery I felt calm. I was thankful that I didn't have to deal with the worst case scenario. Unfortunately that didn't mean that was the end of it.

Sunday we spent the day with our church family. I'm very thankful to our good friends for giving us the support and comforting we needed at that time. It was immediately obvious that my wife and I were broken and that we needed to rebuild. I was fatigued and running on adrenaline. I could barely eat and I didn't feel much. The sight of my wife in tears was enough to break me down further almost to the point of no return. I had to hold strong because I need to be there for her -- not only for her but for me too, that I needed to use my strength to keep it together.

We spend the next few days in the company of friends. I couldn't stand to be alone then and was really happy to be among friends. That didn't mean though that I was able to talk to them about what I was feeling. I didn't have the words to express exactly what I was feeling. I could only think but I really couldn't feel anything. Maybe I was angry, hurt, desperate, or just confused. I kept myself busy with activities around our friends house and with my daughter Julia.

Now we're back in our rented unit. I've been doing much of the house work and have taken time off work to be here for my wife and daughter. I feel like I haven't had time to myself yet that I can reflect on really what's been happening. It's like I'm watching a movie of the things that happened in the past few days and somehow it felt like all of it was just happening to me and my wife. I feel completely helpless -- like there wasn't really anything I could do. It felt like it was a horrible movie about our lives where I was just able to watch but feel nothing.

It's at this time in my life that I feel completely alone. My wife is still grieving in her own way and I'm right here supporting her until she's alright. I pray most of the time and hope that I can start feeling something again. Even though I didn't undergo the surgery I somehow feel that there was something taken out of me. I've been trying to feel angry but it's like my mind has shut out any sort of emotion I can feel.

Right now I just want to be able to feel pain. The pain of loss, of injustice, of unfairness, and of a fresh wound. I keep replaying the events of the past days and remembering what I was thinking. Somehow I've lost the ability to just feel pain or connect properly with my emotions. It still feels like it hasn't sunk in yet but I seem to understand what has just happened. I may still be in shock.

I just want to be able to feel something again.

To friends and family, thank you for your prayers and support. I think I'll be alright but it's going to be a process. If you've read up to this point, thank you for your time.