Mental Blabberings

plastic why do people even bother to smile, when the smile is obviously just for show? why do people have a hard time being sincere? and why do they have a hard time being sincere to me? during a nice sunny day, when everything seemed fine and the day seemed so nice, you tend to naturally feel light, happy, and alive. then suddenly, other people start showing up, and then start ruining your day. talk about a really pathetic way of ending the day. when the smile gets to you, it should really get you to smile back -- unless the smile wasn't sincere. in which case you want to just stop everything and turn everything back wishing that she hadn't smiled at you. i want things to go back to when everything was simple but now it's obvious that it isn't possible. it's too far from the beginning at whenever life shows its ugly face at you, you just want to hide. unfortunately, i don't know of a time when i could place myself at and say that i was really happy, a...

finally finally the parallel genetic algorithms based solution to the asymmetric travelling salesman problem is operational and ready for testing. i've already done a couple of tests on it, and it seems that there's a trend i'm coming up with. the paper regarding it shoul be available in the next few days, since it has to be seen by my instructor and adviser before i can make it public. technical details regarding the setup and the study may be obtained through email mikhailberis [at] free.net.ph . interested individuals who want a copy of the paper would have to wait, and would for now have to express written interest via email at the given address. you may also search the true compsci mailing list archives regarding my posts on parallel GA and the asymmetric TSP. sacha: i miss dinner. i should go to diliman more often. @};-

hate why am i no able to feel hate towards a certain person? why can i not learn to hate her? why can i not stop loving her, or thinking about her? is this what i get for listening to my heart? it seems that whetever try to do to forget the person, it just doesn't work. i don't know what else to do, because i've never been in this situation before. i never thought that loving someone like i have loved this person would have such an effect to me. i never thought that i would ever be able to want to forget her. but now, i'm over her somehow -- but i'm still blogging about her aren't I? there should be something wrong with me. but whatever that is, I must get oever it ASAP. the problem is, i want to move on but i can't. everything that i see, read, or hear most of the times reminds me of her. every little thing that reminds me of her is very important to me, and i can't seem to get over them. like whenever i see her name on my cell phone, or her e...

life... why is life like this? what did i do, or what have i not done to desrve this? why is SHE like that? i learned a valuable lesson today. do not build your life around any one dream, unless you're prepared to fail. and unfortunately, my building my world around the person i love doesn't have a plan b. i don't know what to do now, but to sulk in misery and be alone for the meantime. i build my life around a dream that one day, maybe one day i meet the perosn i am willing to live the rest of my life with. however, i never expected that person to not love me back for who i am, or for what i am and will be. i've built my world around the idea that someday, when i meet that person, we shall live our lives together happily. unfortunately, i never took into account the possiblity that either she doesn't come, or that when we meet things wouldn't go as plan. the big mistake i've commited is not preparing plan b, and now i am lost. i have friends, a...

thesis update for the past few weeks i have been preoccupied by my study on a projective load balancing algorithm as well as a parallel multiple population genetic algorithm with species migration solution to the assymetric travelling salesman problem. i have run a pretest on the 16 node beowulf cluster i have setup at the Institute of Computer Science at the University of the Philippines at Los Banos (UPLB ICS) by getting the area under the curve f(x) = 1/x^3 + 1/x^2 + 1/x from 1 to 1000. and right now, i have very encouraging findings regarding the performance speedup of the 16 node parallel computation compared to a sequqntial implementation of the solution. however, the findings will be posted in due time. right now i am writing a couple of papers regarding 1) the computational speedup of parallel computation using clusters and try and a mathematical model on the relation among the number of processors, the amount of computational time it takes to complete the run of a solu...

party five page paper, intelligent robot, watershed management software, and a new cellular phone. that's what's been keeping me busy as of late, and frankly they're all nagging bitchen that i have to attend to ALL THE TIME. thank God the five page paper is done, the watershed management software is 85% complete (at least my part of it), and the new cellphone is a real dandy. the intelligent robot, i'll be workin on in a few hours maybe. i'm still warming up my brain. ;-) but the week before, i was in a completely different mood. i was so into parties, that i went to two parties in the same day (well, one was a real party but the other was like a "guy's night out"). and just last friday, i wen't out relaxin' at the local bar. and just yesterday, yet another party -- a friend's debut (18th birthday). talk about hang overs. anyway, quite contrary, everything else that's happening is nowhere near a party. i'm getting cramm...

nostalgia i just recieved email from one of my previous girlfriends. and i can't explain the feeling i got when i was reading it, and i had to reassess what's really happening in my life right now. first of all, i am in love with someone, and i'm seeing another person. i am still open to dating and meeting other people, and i don't know what i rally want to do. i am busy with a lot of things right now, and i'll be busy at least in the immediate future. i know i want a life which i enjoy, and i do enjoy this life right now. however, i am not very good when it comes to situations where i have seemingly no control over. when it comes to love and relationships, i tend to take control and move things the way i like things to go. maybe that explains why i havent had any relationships that really lasted. until this particular girl got into my life. this previous girlfriend (#4 to be more exact) of mine, is someone i've met and known even before my first girlf...