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plastic

why do people even bother to smile, when the smile is obviously just for show? why do people have a hard time being sincere? and why do they have a hard time being sincere to me?

during a nice sunny day, when everything seemed fine and the day seemed so nice, you tend to naturally feel light, happy, and alive. then suddenly, other people start showing up, and then start ruining your day. talk about a really pathetic way of ending the day. when the smile gets to you, it should really get you to smile back -- unless the smile wasn't sincere. in which case you want to just stop everything and turn everything back wishing that she hadn't smiled at you.

i want things to go back to when everything was simple but now it's obvious that it isn't possible. it's too far from the beginning at whenever life shows its ugly face at you, you just want to hide. unfortunately, i don't know of a time when i could place myself at and say that i was really happy, and that i would just rather stay in that moment. but then i try remembering the time when she was ever sincere to me, and now i have a hard time doing so.

i've never really heard her say anything definitive, because most of what she's told me has more or less ben debunked already by her own actions. "we're fine, right?" then the next moment i know she's avoiding me. "are you okay?" and then i realized she never was listening. "i don't just use you..." the next thing i know, when she needs something i'm there. who am i kidding now?

all i ever wanted was for the person i thought would be the person i would want to spend the rest of my life with to love me. but unfortunately, the person i knew, wasn't the person i want to be with anymore. i thought she had it, and that's what i thought. only now do i realize that i was better off alone, instead of alone and trying to chase after someone who would just deliberately use and manipulate me into thinking that we're fine or the "sincere" are you okay's were true or that she didn't use me.

it's amazing how the summary of things will boil down to a plastic smile. and to think it took me more than two years to realize that is really just plain stupid.

hope you have a better life than me.

somebody please pass me a beer.

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