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what?

so girl, what's it gonna be? this is the question i would most like to ask the only girl i ever truly loved in my whole life. my love for her is the only thing that's special to me now, and heck i need to know a fewthings that i think are long overdue.

yes, i would give her my whole life, and yes i would love for for the rest of it. but then i still would need to know what's gonna happen - what is she thinking about, will she ever decide to love me or just play me as a fool for the rest of my life, does she even care if i get hurt or if i succeed in some undertaking, would she even want to be with me today, tomorrow, or anytime for that matter, or would she rather be alone or with someone else?

although i can take a hint or two, i wouldnt want to assume anything. maybe she doesnt want to tell me in my face that 'hey, its not gonna happen' but then that is the only way i would know. she could always write me a note or a letter, but than i think she doesnt really have time for me anyway. it now feels like im this person who desperately wants to be with her or at least be of importance to her but then she doesnt want anything to do with me, and she doesnt want to tell me so. now im like chasing my own tail, and this is something i dont like doing.

honestly, i really dont care if she doesnt love me, much less like me - but i would care to at least be informed. im not a stranger to everyone i know, especially to those who matter to me - but it seems like she wants it that way, and she doesnt even tell me.

okay, call me paranoid, but then what else would i be? im loving this person who doesnt seem to want to even love me (much less talk to me). i dont want to let go of my love because frankly, i cant - much as i think of it as the best thing i should do, i cant because it is the best decision i have ever made. call me a martyr, and i admit im a little over the edge. but the edge that i'm at doesnt seem to entice me to even turn back and live a little coz when she eventually joins me at that edge, i would galdly jump off with or without her. but my waiting at the edge of love seems to be taking too long, and even the rock needs a little moving.

so much as i love her, and so much that she doesnt (or wont) there's one thing clear - i need to know what she tinks, and i need to hear it from her. but even that seems to be blurry so then it's just tough luck for me.

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